me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.