me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
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*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Hard not to take this personally
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Nice try Hitler
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!