Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
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Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Sniffing the broccoli
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”