Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

Seductively sings in Klingon.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

more water

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

Worth the read.