Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
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Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.