Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

Meanwhile in Portland…

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.