Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

“Huge”.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.