Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.