Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..