Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
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Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.