Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
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funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that