Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

a public service announcement

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.