Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Welcome

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?