Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?