Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

what?

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..