Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
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Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
You better watch out
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
where do you see yourself in five years?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
PLOT TWIST:
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that