Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
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Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Reporter: *ports again*
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I ate everything, including the H.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.