me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
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microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Always leave them wanting their money back.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant