Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.