me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
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COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I just ran a .003048K
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The most important meal of the day is the next one
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.