Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
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Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Best spoiler warning ever
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Beware of the dog..
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.