Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
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i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Going forward the 10 minutes before taking a nap should be referred to as prelax
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange