Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
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The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.