Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.