Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
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[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
going to the ER y’all need anything
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault