me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
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3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…