Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here