Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.