Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

The funk soul brother