Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

Proctologist = Analyst

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

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Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?