Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
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Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.