Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

LA today:

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted