Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Expect the unexporcupine.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job