Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

Never be a pizza!

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?