ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
