Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
