@reallyhoffman

Me: Alexa am I drunk?

Roll of paper towels:

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@Celestinelea90

I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.

@ShittyComedian

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

@thatUPSdude

Her: We have rats!

Me: We do?

Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!

Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.

@Skoogeth

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

@QwertyJones3

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

@ruinedpicnic

“Sorry but It’s me or the label maker.”
[takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt]
“Thank y-”
[sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]

@anthonyzach

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

@JohnLyonTweets

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

@ABurgerADay

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.