i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
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Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour