I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.
Me: Alexa am I drunk?
Roll of paper towels:
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When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My kids: what are we having for…
Her: We have rats!
Me: We do?
Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!
Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
“Sorry but It’s me or the label maker.”
[takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt]
[sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.