ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
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Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
With a text.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo