Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer