Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
So true for me
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.