Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

Chicago sounds lovely.

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.