Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
You Might Also Like
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
I’m sure it’s fine.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty