Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
You Might Also Like
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
motivation
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever