Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

Same post same

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.