Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
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[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Body by cheese-puffs.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
