Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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Haha! 😂
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for