Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
My five year plan is a meteorite
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.