Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
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911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?