me: alexa, make all these people leave my house

alexa: *plays the chainsmokers*

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My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.


Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.


I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.


[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-


Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?


I’ve limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.


I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!


I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.