Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…