Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.