ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
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If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
me 2 months after i graduated
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.