Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.