Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
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Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*