Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
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I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Storm Tropical Storm
Not helping
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side