Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Swedish for common sense.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.