Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

AM I BEING GASLIT????

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)