Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOL

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

We have a winner.

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.