Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish