Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

New menu item

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-