Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed