Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

I am, perchance

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.