Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.