Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
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[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
guilty
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have