Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
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So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
when there are deer in the woods
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant