Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
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Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR