me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
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Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
the duality of man
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
