Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
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Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians