Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
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Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]