Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

A roof is a house hat.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

pelicons

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.