Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”