Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.