Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*