Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

We cut our bangs at dawn.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan