Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

Teach your children to beatbox

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

😂

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.