Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

May your day taste like creamy soup.

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.