Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
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lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
This line from Airplane.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
*3.5 thank you very much.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
bought wrong eggs
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”